Young and eager is a good description of me after college. I had been dating a guy for a few years and we had recently broken off our engagement. I was far from God and wrapped up in the world. I went to church because, even at 23, my mom made me go. I was living life full speed and in the wrong direction. I was addicted to my former fiancé and couldn’t seem to break apart from him. Then I was pregnant. Even though I was scared and embarrassed, I still saw it as a sad attempt to begin a life with a man that I knew God really did not intend for me.
Even though an unmarried mother in her twenties is not rare these days, that’s not the way God intended it to be. Growing up in a Christian home and knowing God’s Word, I knew I had to get married. The young, confused, and scared man became my husband and two days later I suffered a miscarriage. I had hit the bottom of the pit. Here I was heartbroken, unhappily married (because I forced it), and stripped down to the essence of humility.
One would think I would have turned to God and asked for forgiveness. Nope. I was still determined to be in control of my situation. Better yet, our situation. I was married now. I got pregnant again six weeks later and consumed myself in fear that I might also lose this child. Again, not trusting in God. When I was five months pregnant my husband left me. I was now below the bottom of the pit. My heart hurt worse than it ever had. It felt like the weight of the world was on top of me.
Then my light bulb went off. I needed God. No one on this earth could help me. There was nothing anyone could say or do to make my indescribable pain go away. At night in bed, I tried to pray but couldn’t. My pain was too intense for me to form the words and make sense of them. So I began singing. “I know You’ve washed me white. Turned my darkness into light. I need your peace to get me through this night… I’m not holding on to You, but You’re holding on to me.” Thank you, Casting Crowns, for putting those words into song. Night after night I lay in the bed weeping and singing that verse over and over.
Once I got to the point that I felt like I had cried my last tear, God revealed my need to repent. My overwhelming struggles were the results of my sin. I had to repent of the sins that had put me there, and so much more. This was about realizing my sin and allowing Him to take over. After all, I had been in control way too long and it had resulted in complete disaster.
After my sweet boy was born, I realized God had blessed me with a healthy son and I now had the responsibility to raise him to love the Lord. I promised God that I would do my very best to be the best Christian mother I could possibly be. There are days I fall short but not one day that I think of taking back my promise.
I know there are mothers out there that are, or have been in, similar shoes. I share my story to say that God is comfort. Deuteronomy 31:8, “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Regardless of how you think the world is coming down on you, the Lord will be your comfort. Looking back, I realize now that God was comforting me at times that I did not know I needed it. The Lord recognizes our needs and fills them with Himself.
The Lord will be your strength. Ever felt so weak that you couldn’t get out of bed? I have been there. Isaiah 40:29, ‘He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.’ Without the strength that God gives us, we cannot do anything. I would simply be a wandering, empty soul without Him. There were days that I prayed He would do whatever it took to make the hurt stop. That would have been too easy. Instead He taught me how to have faith in His strength.
Lastly, God will be your peace. Peace in the storms of life. “Great peace have those who love your law, and nothing can make them stumble” (Psalm 119:165). I was so worried about what the world was seeing when it looked at me. I was worried I could not raise a child without a husband. I was worried about finances. I had no peace. Then, God showed me that if I put all my trust in Him that He would grant me a peace that was beyond my comprehension.
No matter your circumstance you can rely on Jesus. Find your hope, strength and peace in His name. Be washed by His blood and redeemed by His grace. There is nothing too big for God; there is nothing He cannot overcome.
We at Engage want to be open and transparent about our struggles, pains, and failures. We are not ashamed of those because we have been forgiven and redeemed. However, our stories are not ours alone. They involve other people who do not wish to have their stories shared across the vast landscape of the Internet. Out of respect of those individuals, we will periodically publish a story anonymously. This is an opportunity to both share the depths of depravity Christ raised us from while still respecting and loving others who a part of our story.
